Latest from The Onion
The Onion
9 hours ago
- Entertainment
- The Onion
New ‘The Bear' Season Features Mutant Carmy Terrorizing Chicago After Falling Into Vat Of Beef Juice
CHICAGO—With the fourth season of the hit FX show now streaming, viewers reportedly tuned into new episodes of The Bear Wednesday and watched a mutant Carmen Berzatto terrorize Chicago after falling into a vat of beef juice. 'This year we decided to go in a different direction with Carmy, who has up until now been portrayed as an anxiety-ridden twentysomething chef who thrives on chaos, rather than as a hybrid human-meat creature of nightmarish proportions,' show creator Christopher Storer said of Jeremy Allen White's character, who in the season premiere undergoes a grotesque transformation after slipping—or, spoiler, possibly being pushed—off some rickety ceiling rafters into a gurgling tank of Italian beef juice that has been left precariously uncovered by Carmy's mistake-prone kitchen staff. 'This was an acting challenge for Jeremy, who essentially had to play a whole new role because Carmy is now a 60-foot-tall tangle of flesh and chuck roast hell-bent on destroying the city as he searches for more giardiniera to feast on. At the same time, he needed to maintain the nuance of an emotionally tormented prodigy grappling with the grief hidden somewhere deep inside the wet, pulsing French bread that has fused with his skin.' 'Without giving too much away, fans can expect the usual kitchen drama as Carmy, now known to horrified onlookers as 'Mutant Beef Guy,' struggles to balance his work life as a purveyor of fine dining with his personal life as an ungodly, succulent affront to nature,' Storer continued. 'Prepare for your emotions to swell as Mutant Beef Guy watches Claire from the shadows, knowing she will never love him now that he's an abomination. Meanwhile, Sydney is the only person who can communicate with the grunting, massive regional delicacy and see the capacity for Michelin-level plating beyond his deformed exterior. As she struggles to cover for him in the kitchen, she must also fend off the evil sandwich poachers who want to place him in captivity.' Saying they enjoyed the climactic showdown between Mutant Beef Guy and Dr. Sausage atop the Willis Tower, many viewers also praised the season four finale's post-credit scene, which hints at a future spinoff in which the two join forces to fight hunger as 'The Combo.'
The Onion
9 hours ago
- Entertainment
- The Onion
Zohran Mamdani: Some New Yorkers Say They Can Imagine Him With A Big Cape And Devil Horns
The post Zohran Mamdani: Some New Yorkers Say They Can Imagine Him With A Big Cape And Devil Horns appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion
9 hours ago
- General
- The Onion
Pros And Cons Of Banning Fireworks
Millions of Americans will celebrate Independence Day with fireworks this year, though the legality of the explosives varies throughout the country. The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning fireworks. Kites can take their rightful place as sovereigns of the sky Lose most effective way to quickly raze 4,000 acres of forestland Medical fireworks still available through firework dispensaries No reason to visit Indiana anymore Mom's new boyfriend will instead have to prove himself by eating really spicy pepper No way to find out which dogs would abandon you in a shootout Far fewer loose fingers for birds to incorporate into nest Billy's Fireworks & Stuff can only sell so many vapes No other reason to look up at the sky in wonder Yet another American tradition discarded for nothing more than safety, environmental hazards, animal welfare, and good taste
The Onion
14 hours ago
- Health
- The Onion
RFK Jr.: Vaccines No More Effective Than Drinking Horseshoe Crab Blood Straight
WASHINGTON—Citing extensive research he had conducted on the matter, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday claiming that vaccines were no more effective than drinking horseshoe crab blood straight. 'Despite the lofty promises of pharmaceutical companies, there's simply no evidence to suggest that vaccines provide more immunological benefit than punching a few holes in a horseshoe crab's carapace and slurping its blood directly,' said Kennedy, adding that his own lips were still stained blue from the horseshoe crab blood he had drunk that morning with breakfast. 'The data is clear. If you're looking to gain immunity to disease, there's no reason to take vaccines adulterated with all manner of dangerous chemicals when their sole effective component—horseshoe crab blood—is freely available at your local estuary. Horseshoe crabs are safe, natural, and slow enough to be caught by both children and the elderly. And unlike profit-driven vaccine manufacturers, a horseshoe crab will never lie to you about what you're putting into your body.' At press time, Kennedy had reportedly been hospitalized after he experienced a bad reaction to swallowing a horseshoe crab whole.
The Onion
14 hours ago
- Entertainment
- The Onion
Civil War Reenactor Reminded This Not His Personal Fife Recital
GETTYSBURG, PA—Following a fourth chorus of 'Kingdom Coming,' fellow participants sternly reminded local Civil War reenactor Christopher Geary that this was not his personal fife recital, frustrated sources confirmed Friday. 'This is the Battle of Gettysburg, not the Christopher Geary Music Hour!' said Frank Mercer, 54, who portrayed Gen. George Meade and had already told Geary six times to stop playing while officers were addressing the soldiers. 'Everyone's impressed that you can do all those little trills, but it's becoming a huge distraction. Today is about recreating a pivotal moment in American history, and one lone fife player shouldn't be stealing the spotlight by playing as loudly as possible. Also, it's pretty obvious you're sneaking in folksy renditions of Weezer songs, so knock it off.' At press time, Geary was insisting that despite his character dying on the battlefield, he should still be allowed to play the fife as a ghost.
